What is the Role of a Pastor's Wife?

Some people think that a pastor’s wife sits around all day eating chocolate bonbons and reading the Bible.  Now as nice as that may seem to some of you, this idea is NOT me.  Yes, I read the Bible and I certainly enjoy my chocolate, however, I do believe as pastor’s wife or any staff wife has a role to fill.  I am not an expert so I did a little research to find out what some other sisters in ministry thought on the subject. 

First, we are to be our husband’s helpmate or as one staff wives calls her role “best supporting actress.”  We need to realize we are not in the main role but we should stand alongside our husbands encouraging them.  We need to pray daily for our men as they face a spiritual warfare that we cannot even imagine.  We need to show our support but also offer wise counsel on ideas he may have.  We are called to help not hinder our husband’s work and the Heavenly Father’s work.  One dear friend, whose husband is a pastor, believes that pastors’ wives are no different than other wives. However, if there is a standard, she believes that 1 Timothy 3:11 calls us to be “to be respected, not to speak evil, exercise self-control and faithful in all things.” Personally, I think this scripture again can apply to all women.

Second, I believe God calls us to our role.  If you are married to your called out husband then sister, you are called as well.  We should strive to be Godly role models to other women in our churches.   There are so many women in our congregations and society that have no clue what a Godly women looks like.  Also, as a couple we should strive to set the example on what a Godly marriage looks like.

Third, I believe we need to have our own identity (we are not just the pastor’s wife).    Girlfriends, this is vital.    For example, I tell my Bible study class each week that in that one hour time frame I am NOT the pastor’s wife.  I am simply Vickie and I can be myself.  I love my husband and I love being a minister’s wife.  However, I have been a much happier person when I realized I have a name and I do not have to live up to all the expectations.  All I need to know is that I am loved by God, my husband, and my family

Last, I believe that as ministers’ wives we all have our own passions.  God has implanted those passions deep within us.  Like me, it may take time for you to find your passion.  It took me years.  I have served in music, children, youth, WMU, etc but in the last seven years, God has planted a passion for caring for fellow ministers’ wives.  I strive to encourage my own staff wives plus encourage other wives who I might only meet once.  I find that if I am not doing what God has called me to do then I am a useless pile of flesh.  You do have a God given passion so pursue it.  I would like to add one simple point.  It is perfectly okay to say NO to something you do not feel like God has called you to do. 

So girlfriends and to the sister who asked for this issue to be discussed, I hope you are encouraged in discovering just what your role is as a minister’s wife.  If you have more opinions, feel free to share with us by leaving a comment. 

What is the Role of the Pastor's Wife?

Some people think that a pastor’s wife sits around all day eating chocolate bonbons and reading the bible.  Now as nice as that may seem to some of you, this idea is NOT me.  Yes, I read the Bible and I certainly enjoy my chocolate, however, I do believe as pastor’s wife or any staff wife has a role to fill.  I am not an expert so I did a little research to find out what some other sisters in ministry thought on the subject. 

First, we are to be our husband’s helpmate or as one staff wives calls her role “best supporting actress.”  We need to realize we are not in the mail role but we should stand alongside our husbands encouraging them.  We need to pray daily for our men as they face a spiritual warfare that we cannot even imagine.  We need to show our support but also offer wise counsel on ideas he may have.  We are called to help not hinder our husband’s work and the Heavenly Father’s work.  One dear friend, whose husband is a pastor, believes that pastors’ wives are no different than other wives. However, if there is a standard, she believes that 1 Timothy 3:11 calls us to  be “to be respected, not to speak evil, exercise self-control and faithful in all things.” Personally, I think this scripture again can apply to all women.

Second, I believe God calls us to our role.  If you are married to your called out husband then sister, you are called as well.  We should strive to be Godly role models to other women in our churches.   There are so many women in our churches and society that have no clue what a Godly women looks like.  Also, as a couple we should strive to set the example on what a Godly marriage looks like.

Third, I believe we need to have our own identity (we are not just the pastor’s wife).    Girlfriends, this is vital.    For example, I tell my Bible study class each week that in that one hour time frame I am NOT the pastor’s wife.  I am simply Vickie and I can be myself.  I love my husband and I love being a minister’s wife.  However, I have been a much happier person when I realized I have a name and I do not have to live up to all the expectations.  All I need to know is that I am loved by God, my husband, and my family

Last, I believe that as ministers’ wives we all have our own passions.  God has implanted those passions deep within us.  Like me, it may take time for you to find your passion.  It took me years.  I have served in music, children, youth, WMU, etc but in the last seven years, God has planted a passion for caring for fellow ministers’ wives.  I strive to encourage my own staff wives plus encourage other wives who I might only meet once.  I find that if I am not doing what God has called me to do then I am a useless pile of flesh.  You do have a God given passion so pursue it.  I would like to add one simple point.  It is perfectly okay to say NO to something you do not feel like God has called you to do. 

So girlfriends and to the sister who asked for this issue to be discussed, I hope you are encouraged in discovering just what your role is as a minister’s wife.  If you have more opinions, feel free to share with us by leaving a comment. 

 

God Can Do A Lot With A Little

The Lord can take a little and transform it into a lot!   Do you believe that?  Do you truly believe that God can take a little bit of “something” and miraculously turn it into an overflowing abundance?   He has done that, He is doing that, and He will continue to do that in the future!

He has done that:  Just recently I taught my Sunday school class the lesson about Jesus feeding over 5000---for you Bible trivia buffs, this is the only miracle recorded in all four Gospels. It is a wonderful lesson in not only showing God’s provision, but also in having faith, the kind of faith that believes that nothing is impossible with God.  You all know the story:  Jesus had been teaching the multitudes and healing the sick, and as evening approached, our Lord recognized their need for physical food.  With only two fish and five loaves provided by a little boy among the crowd, our Lord blessed it and supernaturally fed over 5000 hungry souls!  There were even twelve baskets of leftovers, what an awesome Provider!    He took a little and made a lot!

He is doing that:  I can give testimony of my own life.   When the Lord saved me, He gave me the primary gifts of teaching and exhortation.  And because I love Him and want to serve Him, my Lord has taken “little old me” and used me to teach, encourage, mentor, disciple, and pray for others.  At times, I feel like I don’t  have much to offer, like the little lad’s fish and loaves,  but God takes my yielded life and  does things exceeding and abundantly above what I ever thought possible!   My boast is in Him alone!  He takes a little and makes a lot! 

He will continue to do that:  My sisters, what about you? What do you desire for the Lord to do with your life?   What “little” do you feel you have, that God can take and tremendously bless others?  I know that you all have gifts that the Holy Spirit has given you to serve the Lord and His people.  Joyously let Him continually use you to teach His word, minister to the sick,  reach the lost, feed the hungry, love the unlovable, and sooooo  much more!   Yes, He can continue to use your “little” and multiply it.    Remember He takes a little and makes a lot!  

May the words to the first verse of the song, “I Surrender All”, encourage all of us:

“All to Jesus I surrender, All to Him I freely give;

I will ever love and trust Him, In His presence daily live.”

Surrender all to Him and watch what happens!

The Lord Chooses

Some of you who are pastors’ and ministers’ wives probably wonder how you ended up in this role.   Was it an accident? Did it happen by chance?  Did someone make a mistake?  The answer to all of these questions is a resounding,  NO!!  God had YOU in mind, my dear sister.  Yes, the Lord chose YOU.

You may be asking, “Why did He choose me?" "What could God have possibly seen in me to select me to fill this role?”  “I feel so unqualified!”  All of us who fill these shoes have probably felt this way at one time or another.   You may feel like you are not talented enough, not spiritual enough, not patient enough, not hospitable enough, and other “not enoughs”!  

Although you may believe that you are not cut-out for the role of being the wife of a pastor or minister,  just reflect for a moment on all that the Lord has done through you.  He has strengthened you as you have stood beside your husband in ministry, supporting and encouraging him.  He has equipped you with certain gifts as you have served Him and His people.  He has given you a gentle and sensitive heart as you have prayed over situations and circumstances affecting your church.  He has allowed you to see Him answer prayers in a miraculous way.  He has given you godly, lifelong relationships.  After pondering these things, and perhaps many more, would you still ask the question, “Why me?”

This year my husband will celebrate 16 years of ministry, the last 9 years as a pastor and the first 7 years as an associate minister.   And I can honestly look back and see wonderful blessings and relationships that our Father has bestowed on me and our family, blessings  that we would not have experienced had my husband not accepted the Lord’s call to serve, and had I not accepted my role to faithfully stand beside him.  Our 16 year journey has by no means been without some bumps and trials along the way.  But the great experiences and blessings have far outweighed the unpleasant moments.

Remember, precious sister, God did choose you. When we truly meditate on the sovereignty of God, we know that nothing, absolutely nothing happens by chance or accident.  You are a pastor’s wife or minister’s wife for such a time as this, to make a difference in the world and in your church.   No matter what our critics say (we all have those!), we also have our encouragers and people who dearly love us and pray for us.   Most importantly, our Savior loves us and chose us to serve and glorify Him!

"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit........."  John 15:16a

UPDATE!!!!

I mentioned Monday that Roger and I had prayed and prayed about a personal situation for over a year and we got word that He had answered that prayer on Monday.  We cried, shouted and jumped up and down.

Our son called me at work Monday afternoon with the news.  He was offered another job and he took it.  He will still be working for the U.S. Army Corp of Engineers.  AND....he is moving HOME.  (At least to this area.)  His job will be at Chickamauga Dam in Chattanooga.
His current job is at Old Hickory Lake in Hendersonville, TN, which is about three hours from us.

He and his wife were miserable so far from home.  We had prayed and prayed that God would open the doors.  He sent out resumes, etc.  We figured he would have to leave the Corp to find work in East TN.  BUT....God opened the doors in His perfect timing.  (Their lease runs out the end of this month and they had not signed their new lease yet.)  Now it makes sense why God had not opened the doors for Melanie a job.

We were praying for ANYTHING in East Tennessee.  God had His own plans..................not only did he allow him to move back to E. TN............he gave him the closest Army Corp job to us in Dayton, TN.......and he will not lose his seniority or benefits.

PRAISE THE LORD.............God is Good...ALL THE TIME.

And....if you have ever had dealings with a government job...you know they tend to drag their feet.  NOT in this case.  He starts his new job March 11th.

We did a happy dance..........shouted...........and cried.  When your children hurt, you hurt too.

Did I mention that I was HAPPY? 

Bi-Vocatonal Pastors and Wives Conference

 

Hopefully, if your husband is Bi-Vocational, you have already registered for the annual Bi-Vocational Pastors and Wives Conference this next week; February 21 - 23.

If you have already made plans to attend, I look forward to seeing you.  Stop by the Registration Table.  My husband and I will be working there and I look forward to meeting you.

I am very excited about the conference and the topics that will be covered.  The title of the Conference is "Renewing Our Hearts to Our Master, to Our Marriage, and to Our Ministry."  WOW.....and the speakers this year are off the top.  There is NO WAY you can leave this conference without your cup running over.  I am really looking forward to it.

IF you did not make plans to attend this year, PLEASE check back and make plans to attend next year.  It is usually scheduled in February.  This year will be the 14th year that my husband and I have attended and every year we leave thinking there is NO WAY next year can be this good...........and each year the conference gets better and better and "gooder" and "gooder" ..............YOU WILL NOT WANT TO MISS IT ANOTHER YEAR!!!

Love My "Little Man"

Jeremiah 29:11

¹¹ For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.

We prayed for "Little Man" before he was conceived.  We prayed for him before we knew he was a male.  We prayed for him before he was born, and NOW, we are already praying that he will receive Christ as His Savor at an early age.

"Little Man" has already been such a blessing to us.  He is 11 weeks old and has been sleeping through the night for a few weeks.  He is such a happy baby with a pleasant nature.

Thank you for bearing with me and allowing me to, once again, share another "grandbaby picture".

God is Love

Wonderful Church Family

I wrote in a previous post that God had finally sent lots of help to our church and we no longer had to DO EVERYTHING.

Sixteen years ago, when we first went to our church, I was "handed" the duty of the V.B.S. Director....BECAUSE....I was the Pastor's Wife.  I have served as Director for 16 Vacation Bible Schools.
This year, one of our ladies came to me and told me that God had been really leading her to be the V.B.S. Director this year.  PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!  I gathered my years of notes, etc. up and copied them onto a USB drive and passed them over...........with the request that she "please" allow me to TEACH the toddlers in V.B.S. this year.  Remember....that is where my passion is; that is where I REALLY feel led to work.  I am sooo excited about Vacation Bible School this year.

Also, this past Sunday was a very busy day, as usual for us.  We had a couple of people from church that had had surgery last week and needed a visit.  We had one member that had lost her dad and we needed to visit, especially since my husband's secular job was sending him out of town for the week.  On top of all of that......we woke up and walked outside to go to church Sunday morning and my van had a flat tire.

Picture this.....we have a Chili & Tamale Fellowship Lunch at church; a couple of sick visits to make and need to check on the grieving member; plus somehow we have to get the tire fixed before Roger has to leave early the next morning; and did I mention, we live 30+ miles from church and the church field....and we have evening church services at 6:00.
At one of the "sick" stops, we were mentioning our BUSY day.  The grown daughter asked if we had the keys to our van with us........I said right here.  She grabbed the keys and said, Bo and I are going to drive to Dayton and take care of your tire.  YOU go visit and do the things you need to do.  WOW.....what a blessing.

(They pumped the van tire up....drove it to Walmart to get the tire fix it and discovered it was beyond repair, so they had a new one put on.)

Isn't it wonderful to be surrounded by a wonderful church family that loves you enough to help you carry some of your burdens and jumps in to fill the gaps when you are on over-load?  We are soooo very blessed!!! 

FYI....no, the church does NOT have an opening, so do not try to send your husband's resume.  ;-)

Answered Prayers

Okay, Ladies.....am I the only one that finds myself "shocked" when a prayer is answered?  I know.........we're "Pastor's Wives" so we are suppose to be "experts" about "spiritual things...."

I mean.....I pray and pray about things.  I pray, believing God will answer them.  I put my trust in God and  turn it all over to Him.  BUT.....when He DOES answer my prayers, it knocks the socks right off me.

Don't get me wrong.....I see God's hand in EVERYTHING every day.  I also see how God is working and how he is answering prayers all around.  I am forever saying...."God is Good....all the time" and Praising God for answering prayers.

However....when I am PERSONALLY burdened about something and I pray and pray and pray.............why am I still SHOCKED when God finally answers my prayers in His perfect timing?

Roger and I have been praying and praying about a personal burden for over a year  Yesterday, we got word that God had answered our PRAYERS. 

•  We cried.....
• We laughed....
• We shouted.......
• We danced.....
• We praised God!!!! 

But.....I found myself in utter disbelieve that God had finally answered our prayers.  I mean......I did and do believe it......but I was in SHOCK.  AN AWESOME SHOCK!!

That is my human flaw or weakness.  That is the "doubting Thomas" in me.  I know He answers prayers and I witness Him answering my prayers day in and day out.......BUT....I am still amazed.

We serve an Awesome God and He Answers ALL of our Prayers;  not always the WAY we want them answered and not always the MOMENT we want them answered....

But He ALWAYS answered them according to HIS will and in HIS timing.

PRAISE GOD!!!!

 

 

P.S. 

Please remember my friend, Angie in your prayers today.  Her dad passed away suddenly Friday afternoon of an apparent heart attack and the burial will be today.

Also, pray for another friend, Glenda, who will be welcoming her new grandson into the world today.

 

Busy, Busy, Busy

It seems as if every time I post, I am busy, busy, busy.  Does that tell you anything about my life?  It does me.........it is time to SLOW DOWN.

This is a busy week because I am planning a Valentine's Party for our Church Children on Wednesday night and I am planning for our annual Valentine Banquet for Saturday night, where Roger and I do it ALL...including the purchasing, decorating, cooking and serving for our entire church.  On top of that, Roger is out of town this week until Thursday.  Whewwwwww.

I think I will take a DEEP breath....before I drown.

Actually I am going to have to start following the example of my husband.  He is a full-time pastor (Bi-Vocational) AND he has a full-time secular job as a computer programer.  His secular job calls him all hours of the night, etc. (and we ALL know that Pastors get called 24-7.) 

First....let me explain.  For several years now...it gets worse as time goes on, Roger's secular job does not like for him to take his vacation.  When he does, they ask that he take his work computer and work phone with him, so in reality, he is never on a complete vacation from his secular job.

Last week during his annual review, he told his manager that she would see some big changes in him this next year.  She said, "Great!....but what do you mean?"  He told her that he planned to take ALL of his vacation and when he was on vacation, he was on vacation, which meant he was no longer taking the computer or work phone.  She told him that was good and that he needed to.  Then, she remined him that he would be out of town this week and she said, I really need you to go to Columbia next week through Wednesday.  He said, "Did you forget?  I am on vacation from Wednesday to the end of the weekend?"  She said, "Yes, but I really need you......"  He told her he was sorry, but he was on vacation and he had already been approved.  She told him he was right and she got someone else to go to Columbia.

Sometimes, whether it is our secular jobs or our church work, people will take advantage of us if we allow it and they may not even realize what they are doing.  In the process, NO ONE gets hurt except US.  We need to take time for US. 

Although this is a BUSY week for us, so it doesn't appear that I am slowing down....I really am trying most of the time.  I am slowing working towards "letting go" of responsibility and taking some much needed time for myself.  I am learning to say "no".  I would like to challenge you to do the same.  We can STILL be "spiritual" and we can STILL "be in God's Will" without being over-loaded.  In fact, I think we are MUCH BETTER CHRISTIANS when we are NOT on OVER-LOAD.

Study for Me

I can't tell you how many times I have felt like Dana described in her post last week about her Sunday School class. I find myself doubting and questioning many times too.

I know I take it out on my sweet man. I look to him to make me fill better and pressure him to fulfill a role that only my sweet Savior can. Am I alone? I am sure someone out there can relate!

I have to share how God is most recently refocusing me. Honestly, this is how He is keeping me from slipping down that slippery slope back into that place where I am not good enough. . .

Last time I posted I mentioned that I had emailed a few friends from church to meet at Starbucks and discuss starting an accountability/Bible study group. Well, we met, chose a study and have met in our pastor's wife's living room for the past three Thursday evenings.

I made it clear at that first meeting and in the email that I was  NOT looking to lead anything. I was open and honest explaining my need and how the Spirit had convicted me to study the Word for my own personal, spiritual growth.

At the second meeting we handed out the books and we looked them over while noshing a chocolate dessert (You would have loved it Vickie!) and sipping decaf coffee.

The third meeting came and I found my gut was filled with a real mess of mixed emotions. I knew I wasn't prepared to lead discussion. What if that is what they expected? I was concerned that the "homework" I had done was inadequate compared to what everyone else had done, or worse, I was the only one who had actually done the outside assignments. At the same time, I was excited to hear how everyone had answered the questions and to receive their insights.

As the evening unfolded, the mass in my gut slowly dissipated and I began to feel the release of not being the one responsible, of just being one of the girls, of just being me. It was wonderful. As I climbed in my car to go home it finally sunk in. This was a "get to" not a "have to."

I haven't had one of those in a REALLY long time. I had forgotten what it felt like. Ladies, I ain't gonna lie. It is nice. And, I didn't even know I needed it.

The group is bigger than I thought it would be. I thought two or maybe three of us would be game.  I never pictured meeting in the pastor's home with his wife included, though I am thrilled she has offered to host and join us. I never expected God already showing me such deep truths in His word or showering me with His love in this outlet.

I just had to be willing to set aside my expectations of myself and those I assumed others had for me. It wasn't and still isn't easy. But, dear friend, it is so worth it. I am learning the importance of pressing into God for my own sake, not for a class, a speaking engagement or a writing project.

When was the last time you let God speak to you?

Thick Skin and Tender Heart

I have been teaching a ladies Sunday school class for the past 25ish years—which is quite odd since I am really only 30ish years old…..hummmm.  Anyway….in those 25ish years there have been three classes—one in each of the three churches my husband has pastored.  The classes had ladies of all ages and backgrounds.  Some married, single, divorced.  Some worked outside of the home some were stay-at-home moms.  Some new believers, non-believers, believers for a long time.  Just a hodgepodge of precious women—friends—confidants. 

It has been a total joy to share Truth with them and they were always gracious enough to put up with my idiosyncrasies!  Like the time I was trying to say the name of the box the Jews would put on their head—“phylacteries”—and said “prophylactics” instead—definitely NOT the same thing!!  Then there was the time I stripped off my slip in the middle of class—after all—it was bugging me!!  They put up with the time I boldly stated with confidence, “….then Peter bit off Judas’ ear!!”  Toward the end of a very special, spirit filled class I stated, “Let’s all spread our knees and pray!!”  What????

One Sunday the daughter of one of our ladies was visiting and toward the end of the class she stated very matter-of-factly, “We need to get her (meaning me) some Velcro to keep her in her seat!”  I am like popcorn—popping up and down, up and down in my chair!!  I don’t love standing in front of the class—but sit in a circle among them...or at least try to sit!

I have cried in class.  Laughed.  Fallen on to the ground.  Raised my hands up high.  Wrapped my arms around women and prayed over them.  Been encouraged.  Been discouraged.  Been disappointed been elated.  Seen lost women saved, marriages saved, lives saved.  Heard heart wrenching stories and stories that lifted my spirits.  I have learned much and have much to learn. 

Since all of the above is true—it is strange to me that a couple of months ago I was compelled to step away from teaching women.  I am not sure if it is for a season or permanently.  And, to be quite honest, I am not sure if it is God telling me to or me needing to….(that is something I am pondering.  I don’t want to be out of His will.)

It is hard for me to explain why—and many of you might be going through something like this now—or have gone through it before.  I felt like I was carrying burdens God never intended for me to carry.  I was “weighed” down with “rocks” in my “wagon” and was unable to “dump” them.  I felt responsible for those ladies who stopped coming—it was my fault.  I felt responsible for any spiritual immaturity or sin or frustration they might have. 

Discouragement set in.  Then doubt.  Then fear.  I questioned everything I was doing.  I knew God did not want me to stop serving Him—and there was a need in our children’s Sunday school—so after talking to those in authority over me, I shared with the ladies I felt compelled to step away from teaching the class and move to first graders.

Did I do the right thing?  I think so.  Was it for the right reasons?  I don’t think so!!  Discouragement and doubt and fear are NEVER reasons for doing something!!  Is God teaching me anything?  TONS!!  I am learning that having a tender heart is good—but that I must also have thick skin!!  I cannot let “things” get to me!  I must not let compliments go to my head or criticisms and complaints go to my heart.  The Lord is using this season and I am grateful!!  I also think it is not about me--He is up to something bigger in the lives of the women and perhaps needed me out of the way in order for Him to be glorified!!

 

How about you?  Do you need thick skin and a tender heart??  Do you need to not let compliments go to your head or let criticisms and complaints go to your heart?  Oh, and by the way, don't think that I am in any way giving you permission to step away from something! :)