The Blessing

John Trent is an award winning author of more than 25 Christian marriage and family books, the creator of the Lion, Otter, Golden Retriever, and Beaver (LOGB) way of looking at personalities, and a gifted speaker.

John also was one of my husband’s roommates AND he was in our wedding.  AND, I have to confess that on one particularly snoopy day, while John was gone from their apartment, for some strange, curious reason, I looked in John’s closet.  Seemed like it was an ‘OK’ thing to do back then but sounds quite creepy and disturbing now!!

When I peered in I was amazed!!!  Astonished and astounded I stood gasping in wonder at what I saw before me!!  Perfection!  Not only was everything organized by pants, jeans, shirts, etc.…and hung all facing the same way with buttons buttoned….everything was color coordinated too!  Nothing was on the floor!!  NOTHING!  I grew up with three brothers and was engaged to Ernie and have seen many guys' closets before (this makes me sound really, really creepy) ….and never had I seen anything like what I saw in John’s!!  Crazy how I cannot for the life of me remember if I put on deodorant today but I can remember what John’s closet looked like 44 years ago!!

A.N.Y.W.A.Y….before I go in to way too much unnecessary, depressing, wish I had his organization skills, detail about John’s closet….I want to share why John came to my mind.

In my last post I mentioned my deep desire for my mother’s blessing.  As she lay dying I would spend hours by her bedside longing for her to say, “I love you, Dana”.  Praying for her to say words of acceptance and affirmation….begging God for it.

I spent years longing and striving for her blessing.  Her acceptance and approval and unconditional love.  It is clear to me that much of my low self-esteem and insecurities stem from this void I had.  Once it was no longer possible for me to hear those words from her I knew that my broken heart needed to be healed.  But how?

John Trent, along with Gary Smalley, wrote a book called “The Blessing” and it gave me much encouragement and insight and a desire to more than ever before BE a Blessing Giver!!  I might not have gotten the blessing I so longed for….but I can definitely be the blessing others need.

SO….my encouragement to you reading this is BE a blessing.  Speak the words of blessing like the Biblical Fathers did long ago.  May your daughter or your son or spouse or friend or stranger KNOW you love them unconditionally.  Speak affirmation DAILY to them….not always based on what they DO but based on who they ARE.  Also….read the book if you struggle with the void of not getting the blessing you desire.

Finally…..let me bless you.  You are precious.  You are loved.  You are worthy.  You are beautiful.  You are powerful.  You are gifted.  You are called.  You are His….

…..even if your closet (or your life) doesn’t look perfect!  Closets can be messy and so can Life!

The Blessing I Longed For and Never Got

Recorded in my journal August 28, 2006...

Sitting with mom feeding her ice chips

Putting lotion on her face (L’Oréal)

             Her hands and arms (good smell-um)

             Her feet and legs (lotion)

Brushed her teeth, combed her hair.

She is talking a little…more than yesterday when we decided to call hospice.  They will be here at 1:00 p.m.

Cried with dad and the boys when she would not eat lunch yesterday…let her “go”.

She doesn’t seem to want to talk to …me…she did to Curt and Jay and Lee…

What is on her mind?  Is she listening to You?  Are You speaking to her?  Why am I mute?

Oh Lord, what am I to do? 

Lord, help me to articulate my heart.  I feel so wicked and sinful not speaking Truth to her.  I am mute….fearful.  I confess I am sad and weak and broken and selfish.

Matthew 8:23  “Jesus was sleeping…”  Fill me with trust

Verse 26  “Jesus said, why are you afraid?  You have so little faith”

Yes!  That is true!  I have so little faith….help my unbelief!

I don’t believe I am usable or loved in her life.

I know You are able.

Sometimes I wonder if it is faith so strong and amazing and powerful and all-encompassing that is enabling me to go through these heart-wrenching, difficult days….

Or

I often sense and hear the other voice that says it is because I am an insensitive and unloving and unforgiving daughter.

I believe You….that it is You walking right beside me….empowering me with amazing strength to serve mom….

             Washing

                           Wiping

                                        Weeping

                                                     Holding her weak hands

                                                                  Rubbing her bony back

Have I asked that You be glorified?  Oh that is my desire!

I choose to see the unseen….

Is it my fault?  I don’t have enough faith?

Did she ever love me?

I suppose I am in a dessert out here…

It’s the blessing I am longing for from mom….what I wait for….to hear her say I was a good daughter….that she loves me and is proud of me.

Oh Lord, I may never hear it!  Help me hear it from You and believe it!  That You love me…that You are proud of me.

To be honest I am not sure why I pulled out that journal this morning….nor why I am sharing this portion of it with you.  I do know why the tears flowed as I read page after page of her last days here on earth.  It is still hard.  Hard knowing she did not confess faith in my Jesus.  Hard longing for her acceptance and love and approval. 

Perhaps it was because Mother’s Day was just celebrated with sweet pictures and precious memories posted on social media.  Sometimes….for some people….Mother’s day is hard.

Perhaps it is hard for you.  I want you to know I am praying for you now.

Pressing or Precious

It was in 1979 and I remember the day as if it were yesterday!! (YES, I am aware that MANY of you were not even born then!)

It is rather odd that I can remember that day in 1979 when I can’t remember if I put on deodorant after my shower just now!!  Hummm….does it have anything to do with the fact that I am old enough to be around in 1979?  Anyway….back to 1979….

I was busy doing who-knows-what and our toddler daughter came teeter-tottering up to me and said, “Ock me Momma, Ock me!?”  For those of you who might need a translation…she was saying “Rock me, Momma, Rock me!?”

Immediately I responded, “Oh honey, not now….mommy’s busy,”

To this day I have no idea what in the world I was so preoccupied and busy doing….but I am fairly sure it had to do with some important and pressing thing like folding clothes or talking on the phone or some other not important and pressing thing.

Not too long after I dismissed her request the Holy Spirit yelled at me and said, “GO OCK THAT BABY!”  Have you ever noticed that the Holy Spirit can be rather bossy!??

So, that is exactly what I did.  I stopped whatever pressing and important thing I was doing and called that little girl to me.  We got in to the rocking chair.  We rocked, and we rocked, and we rocked….for about…..25 seconds!  Twenty five seconds was all she needed!!  Wanted!!  Twenty five stink-n seconds to do the precious thing and let the pressing things wait!  Twenty five seconds!!

Later that same year I read this article in Home Life Magazine called "Pressing or Precious".  Truthfully, it was as if the author of that article had been in our home that day a few months earlier and wrote about what she witnessed happening with our daughter and me!

I was so convicted and affected by the experience and the article that it hung on our refrigerator door for decades!  Decades, I say, decades!!  (Notice the yellowing of the paper?)

Why did I leave it there?  "I got up from the rocking chair with a new perspective on what was important..."

I did it as a reminder that every.single.day I have choices to make.  Will I do the pressing or will I do the precious??

Go and do something precious....the pressing can wait.  The precious doesn't.  Luke 10:38-42

When Your Plans Change

I am supposed to be in Tennessee right now!

I am supposed to be at the TBCSA (Tennessee Baptist Convention Secretaries Association) right now!

I am supposed to be teaching Excel right now!

I am supposed to teach Time Management tomorrow!

But instead…..

I am in Indiana.

I am in much pain because I have done something crazy, ridiculous to my back.

I am bummed.  Sad.  Teary.  Disappointed.

I am pretty sure we all have had to make that dreaded phone call telling someone that you cannot do/attend/help whatever it is you had committed to do/attend/help with…..and I am pretty sure we have all gotten that dreaded phone call.

No one likes to make the call and no one likes to get that call.

I am so grateful for the grace that Lana Rose extended to me when, while I was on my way to Tennessee, she got my sobbing phone call telling her I was in such pain I had to turn around to go home and see the Doctor.  When I sent the text telling her the Doctor said there was no way I was going to Tennessee...more grace was given.

Much grace was extended to me. 

As I ponder this…It hits me that I desperately want to extend much grace to those who disappoint me…or to those who thwart “my” plans….or to those who sadden me.

There are two things I must do in situations like this…whether I am the one making the ‘bad news’ call or the one receiving the ‘bad news’ call.

1. I must trust God and His plan!  My “Truth” for the last year or two has been “God has a plan….and He will provide!”  (and faith lives in the gap between the plan and the providing.) 
2. I must extend much grace.

Who do you need to extend much grace to? 

And, hummm....maybe I should share a few Time Management or Excel tips on the blog this week!

More Benefits and Some Drawbacks

I recently wrote about just a few of the benefits of ‘retirement’, or as I like to refer to it, this ‘season’ of in-between.  We are in-between ministries.  We are visiting churches.  There are benefits.  There are drawbacks.

Besides the six I mentioned in my last post here….there are a few more  I'd like to mention.

1.      You can wear the same thing Every.Single.Sunday.  Since we have gone to four different churches each week, I simply pull out what I wore the week before and wha-la!  Easy peasy!  So standing in the closet trying to remember what I wore the week before so as NOT to wear it again…which was the norm for years....is a thing of the past.  (For now, that is.)

2.      At 9:10 a.m. on Sunday morning you and your husband are still in the bathroom getting ready for church!!  Crazy, I say crazy!!!

3.      You can be invisible.  Sometimes I really, really like being invisible.  (See #3 below)

 

4.      No Sunday or Wednesday night church.  Now I totally know that this might cause some of you to gasp in shock and disbelief and horror....where others are right now sighing with longing and a bit of jealousy.

 

 

I must admit there are also many drawbacks to this ‘season’ of in-between. 

 

1.      I’m struggling with staying deep in God’s word.  Teaching ‘forces’ me to be deep in the word and I’m sad, as well as embarrassed, to say that without the two weekly Bible studies I taught I find myself wandering and somewhat rootless. 

2.      I miss the accountability of being in Bible study/small group with like-minded women.  Hearing their “God” stories and praying with and for them. 

3.      I miss knowing faces and people at church.  Most everyone is a stranger and I don’t know their hearts and their hurts.

4.      You can be invisible.  Sometimes I really, really like being invisible (See #3 above) but sometimes it feels really, really good being known. 

5.      I miss worshipping with people I know and love….even those who frustrated the wa-zoo out of me!!

6.      I miss being hugged at church.  And....sometimes I wonder if I/we will be easily forgotten.

I realize that all of these will come/change with time as the Lord directs us to where He would have us serve….but it is also good for me to reflect and ponder on the fact that, yes, ministry can be hard and sometimes simply unbearable….but that even in the hardest times there is much, much good!!

So, if you are in a season of not loving being a wife of someone in ministry and would give anything to get out NOW….perhaps my meager, inadequate and insufficient list of six drawbacks to being ‘out’ of ministry will encourage you.

Blessings!

Amazing. Precious. Glorious.

Four Sundays.  It has been four Sundays since I last heard my husband preach.  Four Sundays since I taught a Bible study.  Four Sundays!!  “How has it been?", you might ask.  Well, I’m glad you did ask!  It has been Amazing.  Precious.  Glorious.  There are definitely benefits to ‘retirement’ (and I put the word ‘retirement’ in quotes because I am not sure he is really ‘retired’….I keep thinking God has something up His proverbial sleeve and that He is about to reveal it any day now!!)

A few days after his last Sunday we flew to Colorado and just got home a couple of days ago!  God provided a house for us to stay in for over three weeks in the beautiful Rocky Mountains with no plans and no agenda.  Amazing. Precious. Glorious. 

 

We spent those weeks simply being together, doing whatever we wanted, listening to the Lord, re-connecting with each other and with long-time friends, doing our own thing on our own timetable, going to a church where we knew no one and going to a church that a friend has planted in the Denver area.  It was the first time in over four decades that we have had more than one Sunday off.  Amazing.  Precious.  Glorious.

When got home Saturday night the decision as to where to go to church came up once again.  Where do we go?  Honestly, this week was easy.  It was Ernie’s birthday so we would go to church with our daughter and her family.  Makes perfect sense.  We will worship together and then to go lunch together and celebrate his birthday.  It was while we were walking in to that church that so many benefits of this ‘season of retirement’ flooded my mind! 

Just in case you are wondering if retirement is a good thing….here are just a few benefits:

1.      I did not spend Saturday night alone.  (Ernie spent every Saturday night at church praying or doing whatever was needed for the next morning.)

2.      We drove to church together.

3.      We walked in to church together hand-in-hand.

4.      We sat together and worshipped together.

5.      We were not the last people to leave and he did not lock the doors.

6.      That night I was not stressed about who was or was not there or what so-and-so said or did not say!

Now I am fairly certain that for some of you these are “normal” things that you get to do every Sunday.  You always sit together in church and drive together to church, etc.  but for us….this hasn’t been the case.  Therefore, it is Amazing. Precious.  Glorious. 

Needless to say, so far this ‘retirement’ has been great!  I have loved having my husband around….granted we are theoretically only on day two of the real ‘retirement’ world….but so far, so good!  Amazing.  Precious.  Glorious.

Going To See Mary Winkler

I had planned to share this story with you all at The Good Cup in November but my time ran out.  (Time running out….what a weird phrase!)  To be honest, I have often thought about sharing this journey many times but never have…maybe because it is so hard to explain all that happened and all that God did as a result…maybe because it is so personal to me…maybe it is because I am not sure how it will encourage, help, strengthen anyone.  Regardless, I am sharing it now.

Going to See Mary Winkler

Saturday, March 25, 2006

I was driving….driving….driving…going nowhere really….just driving and talking and crying out to God.  My heart was broken and I desperately needed the One who gives me all comfort.  (I was running away from home.  Which I do periodically and I highly recommend it for you too!  Insert grin here.)

I was needing a Word from Him.  I had nothing in me to teach for Sunday school the next day…and I had nothing in me to speak to the group of ladies who had invited me to speak the next night.  I was desperate for the Lord. 

I drove and prayed and worshipped…

Somewhere in there…God convicted me that as I was teaching the ladies in Sunday school the spiritual gifts…I had been focused more on the gifts rather than the Holy Spirit.  I sensed this was something important.  That God was wanting to get my attention on this.  I repented for not knowing the Holy Spirit like I should…for not experiencing the power that is mine from Him…

During this thought process…and while I am driving to nowhere…I sense the Lord…God…the Holy Spirit…telling me to go to Selmer, TN and see the woman who had been all over the news for several days.

She was a pastor’s wife, from a town just 30 miles from where I lived…who had just recently confessed to shooting (and killing) her husband and running off with their three young daughters.

She had been on my heart and I felt God leading me to go.  Of course, immediately rationale set in. 

“They won’t let me see her.”

“I don’t know where the jail is”
I don’t know what to say to her
It is too far (I ended up driving for an hour and a half which would have been what it would have taken me to get there!!)

And so on…

The rationale won out and I continued to pray for God to reveal to me His power! (Crazy huh?  Wanting power without obedience!)

At home that night…I began searching scripture for teachings on the Holy Spirit.  I wanted more of God….and as I read much of the passages referred to the Power the Holy Spirit brings.

That is what I wanted!  More power!  Mark 12:24 says “Your problem is you don’t know the scripture and you don’t know the power of God”!  True!  And I want to know!!

A peace began to come over me throughout the night and as I taught Sunday school.  I confessed to them my sin of focusing on the gifts rather than the Holy Spirit….confessed my disobedience on not going to see the woman in jail….and confessed my desire to move out of this mediocre faith and for Him to work in our midst.

As I left class…I decided to not stay for our second service (I had already gone to the first service...just in case you thought I might have skipped out totally!  Grin) because I needed to get home to prepare for what I was to say that night.  I had an idea of what God wanted…but was not convinced. (I had even driven by the church the day before in my “running away from home tirade” thinking that being close to where the ladies were I could hear what God wanted me to share!  Crazy!)

I first drove through McDonalds to get a Dr. Pepper and then as I started home…the Holy Spirit compelled me again…

“Go to Selmer and see that woman.”

I had a choice to make….was I going to do like I did the day before?  Choose what makes sense and what was rationale?

Or was I going to say “yes”?

The same doubts and questions came….but I knew that if I was ever going to experience the power I was so desperately longing for…if I was going to know this Holy Spirit that indwells me…I had to say “yes”.

So instead of turning right to go home to prepare….I continue down Highway 64 towards Selmer, TN.

There is no fear….just peace knowing I was doing what I was being asked to do.

That morning in Sunday school someone asked "how can we know if when something like that comes into our minds…if it is the flesh or if it is the Holy Spirit?"  Another answered…”is the flesh even capable of asking us to do such things?”  Great questions!!  For me…in this situation…I knew it could not be the flesh because my flesh is not capable of suggesting I drive to Selmer, TN and visit a lady I don’t know in jail.  My motive was pure…I just wanted to get this bossy Holy Spirit off of my back!!

As I drove…the same questions and doubts arise…and I am constantly wondering…

How will I find the jail?  I have no idea where it is.

I don’t even know her name.
What will I say to the “jailer”?
What will I tell them I am there for?

About 15 minutes into the drive…I realize I had not even prayed!  How can that be?  How can I be doing such a “God” thing and not pray?  So, pray I did!  For her…for whatever it was God was bringing me to Selmer for.

I get there…not knowing where the jail is….and drive through town looking…drive around the court house looking….driving everywhere looking.  (Interesting that I am the “queen” of stopping and asking directions…but for some odd reason that was not an option.  Was it because I wanted God to do it all??  I really wanted to see His power?  Or was it that if I could not find it, I would not have to go through with this!!??  Obviously, this was before smart phones with map apps too!)

I find myself all the way out of town…no jail.  I end up on the bypass that takes me back to Bolivar.  To be honest I am relieved.  Perhaps God wanted me to just be willing.  That He was not really requiring anything more of me.  Like Abraham and Isaac…God tested Abraham to show him his faith.  But…part of me was disappointed.  I really had wanted to see the power of God.  So a combination of relief and disappointment washed over me as I headed back towards home. 

Just then….to my right….I see the Henco Furniture sign (A familiar business in west Tennessee)….and a large building that says “McNairy county justice building” or some such thing.  Is that a jail?  Could they not call it what it is?  I am passing it and still not sure until I see barb wire.  That’s it!!  God led me to the jail!!  He did it!! 

Now I had another choice to make.  Do I continue along the way or do I finish this?  I can’t stop and turn around…I am on a four lane bypass with no turn around for a while…so I had plenty of time to think about it.  What was I going to do?  I knew I had to finish this.  God had not brought me this far for me to quit!  I wanted to see His power!!

So finally I find a place to turn around and pulled into the parking lot of what I am assuming is a jail.  The lot is surprisingly (and thankfully) empty.  I was fearful there would be lots of media, etc. but, shockingly, there was no media cars or trucks around.

I walked into the building and saw no one.  Straight ahead of me was a narrow hall with a metal door at the end with a sign saying something about jail visitation.  I was in the right place!!  To my right I see bathrooms…and because by now my stomach is in knots…I make a bee-line for the nearest stall!!

I must stop here and put an interjection.  I did not have….nor have I yet….had any speculation about what happened in this case.  It never even crossed my mind if she was guilty or innocent.  I did not care about the ‘facts’.  I just knew that there was a young pastor’s wife who had three small daughters and a dead husband who was in jail and I was compelled to go. 

It was so strange to me that this was national news.  That I was reading about this in the newspaper and seeing it all over the news.  It seemed strange because it was/is so personal to me.  She had been on my heart ever since I heard it.  In fact, I was driving with Lana Rose across Tennessee (we were providing computer training for Ministry Assistants) when I first saw the Amber alert sign over I40 warning of the missing girls and mother.  The second I heard she was a pastor's wife I was burdened and it was personal.

Back to the jail.  When I first got there, there was no one around…but after I left the restroom and walked back into that hallway to the door labeled “Jail Visitation” I saw a small boy sitting on a narrow hard bench right outside the door.  I asked him if he knew how to get through that door…and he said his grandmother just went through it.  (That boy is implanted on my mind and heart as I am sure his mother or his father is in jail and he is dealing with their choices.) 

I try the door and it is locked.  The boy insists that all his grandmother did was walk in!  Not me!  It is locked!

I turn around and see a woman walking into the building and heading straight toward where I am standing.  She asks me what the jail protocol is!  What?  Me?  I have no idea what I am doing much less what the protocol is!!  She then asks "Are you here to see Mary Winkler.  Thank you Lord!  You provided me her name!  Now I know her name!!

Because I am sure she is a friend of Mary’s or a church member or family member, I am somewhat embarrassed to tell her that, '"Yes I am,  but I don’t know her...I have just driven from the west to see her."  Just as soon as I get the words out, she tells me she does not know her either!  That she has driven there from the Nashville area!  Tears fill my eyes we immediately embrace.

Just then a guard appears and asks us who we are there to see.  Now that I know her name, I confidently tell her “Mary Winkler”.  Immediately she tells us we cannot see her nor can we leave her a note.  We could mail something to the jail if we wanted to contact her.

I wanted to yell out….”BUT THIS WOMAN HAS COME FROM THE EAST AND I HAVE COME FROM THE WEST AND WE MUST SEE HER!!”  But before I could…she disappeared behind the metal doors and I was left standing with this new kindred spirit God had brought into my life.

Neither one of us could tear ourselves away from that small area and so we sat down on the hard, narrow, metal bench.  I looked in the eyes of this woman and asked her “Are you a pastor’s wife?”  She said “I used to be”.  She had been married to a very abusive, cruel husband/pastor.  As she began to tell me her story of pain and loneliness and fear, I knew she was one of the reasons God sent me there.

We each shared our story of why we were there…and both used the same word …compelled!  We were both compelled by God to be there.  She left at 7:30 that morning from Dickson, TN and I left later that morning and we both arrived at the same time. 

It broke my heart to think that just a few feet away behind steel doors and bars was a woman, in jail, alone and scared, who had no idea that God had compelled two women to come for her.  Tears flow even now as I reflect on that moment realizing that God does much that we have no idea He is doing.  That He compels people to act in our behalf and much of the time we have no idea.

I have not seen that woman since that day and I have long forgotten her name and her face, but I have not forgotten her.  She and Mary both represent women who are married to pastors and who struggle.  Women like them will forever be a burden I carry to the Lord.

There is more to this story….and I might share it later this week….and even though I never did get to see Mary, I communicated with her by letter until her trial was over.  I prayed for her a lot…and still do as He reminds me.  To me she represents all ministry wives who are struggling in silence…and I pray for them/you.  You are not alone. 

Side Note:  One of the rationales I have a tendency to give whenever the Holy Spirit asks me do something crazy is “I can’t stop and go see everyone who is in jail.”  Or “I can’t stop and pick up everyone who is walking along the side of the road who might need a ride.”  Or “I can’t befriend every homeless person!”

What I am hearing God say to that is this, “Dana James, I am not compelling you to go see every woman in jail…or offer a ride to every person walking on the side of the road….or befriend every homeless person.  I am compelling you to go see her!  To pick that one up.  To befriend that homeless person.”

You are not alone.  You are not forgotten. 

What is Next?

Wow!  It has been nearly four months since I have written/posted.  I’m pretty sure I have been fired….and deservedly so.  Every time it has been ‘my turn’ to write….I had nothing to say.  Or at least that is what I told myself.  Perhaps the real truth is I had plenty to say….I just didn’t know how to say (write) it.  Or I had plenty to say but I simply did not think anyone cared to hear (read) what I had to say.  Or I had much to say but did God really want me to say it?  Or I just didn’t want to write?  Regardless, the result was that I said nothing.  For nearly four months.

Today I have much to say but the same thoughts as above haunt me now….along with many others.  Where to start?  How to finish well (just in case I am fired)? 

Maybe I will start with how to finish well.  That has been a statement I have said out loud to my husband a lot these past few weeks.  You see, a few weeks ago he told our church that he was ‘retiring’ at the end of December.  What in the world???  ‘Retiring’?  What is that?  That is for old people.  Besides that word is not even biblical! 

We have been in full time ministry for 42 years.  42 stink’n, awesome, hard, crazy, busy, amazing years.  Now what do we do?  What is “next”?  The answer?  We don’t know. 

Truly, I never thought this would ever happen.  It was not anything that was ever on our radar.  In fact, each time the topic would come up in our discussion…..the discussion would last about five minutes.  Nope, ‘retirement’ was not for us.  Ever.

But God.  We have no idea why or how or when this happened but we both agreed that it was ‘time’.  Time for us to step away from serving our current church.  Time for us to stop and seek God and see what He has for us ‘next’. 

This is so new for us.  Every time we left a church it was because God was sending us to another one.  We always have known what was ‘next’.  Not now.  We have never left a church without leaving the town so this is also new….and awesome!!  It’s so hard to leave a church you love and where you have invested blood, sweat, and tears in and then leave them to invest in strangers…who before we know it, have become ‘our people’. 

For us, for now, we have no plans to move (but God might and that’s OK)...besides, where would we go?  We determined right away, for the betterment of our church and their new pastor, we will need to find another church to go to and to serve.  How do we do that?  We have NEVER looked for a church to go to!  God has always sent us to one to serve!!  Will that change?  Probably not!  He is still in the business of sending!!

Shockingly, I am not fearful or anxious or stressed about not having a paycheck.  Crazy, I say, crazy!!  I am excited and have much peace.  Granted….that might change tomorrow because that is how the enemy works….he does not love for us to be excited and/or have peace! 

Between you and me….I can already feel and see the stress and pressure of ministry slowly seeping out of us both.  I can tell my husband has so much more freedom as he preaches since he does not have the ‘business’ or the politics of the church on his plate/mind/heart.  He can preach and teach and love people!  No finance meetings.  No personnel meetings.  No weighty meetings!  Just preaching, teaching, loving.  What a novelty! 

As much as it is true that I am super excited to see what’s ‘next’….I am also quite reflective.  Forty two years, five churches, countless people.  I have often spoken and written about my feelings of inadequacy as a pastor’s wife….and truthfully don’t often see myself as one….yet that is all I have known for the past 42 years.  As I wrote in August...who am I? 

I have also taught two Bible studies in our churches every week for forever…..now what?  Is He done with me? 

As you can see I have many questions.  Many unknowns.  Many thoughtful moments as I ponder this new season.  What I do know is that He has a plan.  He will provide.  I must trust.