Recorded in my journal August 28, 2006...
Sitting with mom feeding her ice
chips
Putting lotion on her face (L’Oréal)
Her
hands and arms (good smell-um)
Her
feet and legs (lotion)
Brushed her teeth, combed her
hair.
She is talking a little…more
than yesterday when we decided to call hospice.
They will be here at 1:00 p.m.
Cried with dad and the boys when she
would not eat lunch yesterday…let her “go”.
She doesn’t seem to want to talk
to …me…she did to Curt and Jay and Lee…
What is on her mind? Is she listening to You? Are You speaking to her? Why am I mute?
Oh Lord, what am I to do?
Lord, help me to articulate my
heart. I feel so wicked and sinful not
speaking Truth to her. I am
mute….fearful. I confess I am sad and
weak and broken and selfish.
Matthew 8:23 “Jesus was sleeping…” Fill me with trust
Verse 26 “Jesus said, why are you afraid? You have so little faith”
Yes! That is true!
I have so little faith….help my unbelief!
I don’t believe I am usable or
loved in her life.
I know You are able.
Sometimes I wonder if it is
faith so strong and amazing and powerful and all-encompassing that is enabling
me to go through these heart-wrenching, difficult days….
Or
I often sense and hear the other
voice that says it is because I am an insensitive and unloving and unforgiving
daughter.
I believe You….that it is You
walking right beside me….empowering me with amazing strength to serve mom….
Washing
Wiping
Weeping
Holding
her weak hands
Rubbing her bony back
Have I asked that You be
glorified? Oh that is my desire!
I choose to see the unseen….
Is it my fault? I don’t have enough faith?
Did she ever love me?
I suppose I am in a dessert out
here…
It’s the blessing I am longing for
from mom….what I wait for….to hear her say I was a good daughter….that she
loves me and is proud of me.
Oh Lord, I may never hear
it! Help me hear it from You and believe
it! That You love me…that You are proud
of me.
To be honest I am not sure why I
pulled out that journal this morning….nor why I am sharing this portion of it with
you. I do know why the tears flowed as I
read page after page of her last days here on earth. It is still hard. Hard knowing she did not confess faith in my
Jesus. Hard longing for her acceptance
and love and approval.
Perhaps it was because Mother’s
Day was just celebrated with sweet pictures and precious memories posted on
social media. Sometimes….for some people….Mother’s
day is hard.
Perhaps it is hard for you. I want you to know I am praying for you now.
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