Thursday, May 17, 2018

The Blessing I Longed For and Never Got


Recorded in my journal August 28, 2006...

Sitting with mom feeding her ice chips

Putting lotion on her face (L’Oréal)

             Her hands and arms (good smell-um)

             Her feet and legs (lotion)

Brushed her teeth, combed her hair.

She is talking a little…more than yesterday when we decided to call hospice.  They will be here at 1:00 p.m.

Cried with dad and the boys when she would not eat lunch yesterday…let her “go”.

She doesn’t seem to want to talk to …me…she did to Curt and Jay and Lee…

What is on her mind?  Is she listening to You?  Are You speaking to her?  Why am I mute?

Oh Lord, what am I to do? 

Lord, help me to articulate my heart.  I feel so wicked and sinful not speaking Truth to her.  I am mute….fearful.  I confess I am sad and weak and broken and selfish.

Matthew 8:23  “Jesus was sleeping…”  Fill me with trust

Verse 26  “Jesus said, why are you afraid?  You have so little faith”

Yes!  That is true!  I have so little faith….help my unbelief!

I don’t believe I am usable or loved in her life.

I know You are able.

Sometimes I wonder if it is faith so strong and amazing and powerful and all-encompassing that is enabling me to go through these heart-wrenching, difficult days….

Or

I often sense and hear the other voice that says it is because I am an insensitive and unloving and unforgiving daughter.

I believe You….that it is You walking right beside me….empowering me with amazing strength to serve mom….

             Washing

                           Wiping

                                        Weeping

                                                     Holding her weak hands

                                                                  Rubbing her bony back

Have I asked that You be glorified?  Oh that is my desire!

I choose to see the unseen….

Is it my fault?  I don’t have enough faith?

Did she ever love me?

I suppose I am in a dessert out here…

It’s the blessing I am longing for from mom….what I wait for….to hear her say I was a good daughter….that she loves me and is proud of me.

Oh Lord, I may never hear it!  Help me hear it from You and believe it!  That You love me…that You are proud of me.

To be honest I am not sure why I pulled out that journal this morning….nor why I am sharing this portion of it with you.  I do know why the tears flowed as I read page after page of her last days here on earth.  It is still hard.  Hard knowing she did not confess faith in my Jesus.  Hard longing for her acceptance and love and approval. 

Perhaps it was because Mother’s Day was just celebrated with sweet pictures and precious memories posted on social media.  Sometimes….for some people….Mother’s day is hard.

Perhaps it is hard for you.  I want you to know I am praying for you now.

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