Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Where Are The _____ Ways to Help Me With This?

I love blogs with titles like

7 ways to _________________
5 simple steps for ______________
10 things to do when ___________________
You know, lists!  Not a lot of verbiage.  Concise.  To the point.  No nonsense.  Just do it kind of stuff.

For me, it almost seems like a formula. 

This + these things = success! 

Done!  Mission accomplished.  Wha-la!  Let’s move on to the next ‘issue’ and formula.

I really, really, REALLY wish I had a 6 step or 12 step or 1,000 step process for my state of mind this last week.

I’m not really sure how to explain this ‘state’.  Zero discipline in what I ate, what I did, what I thought and what I said, just to name a few!!

I was not disciplined in what I ate.  One day when I was not working I thought if I could just get some errands run I’d at least get something accomplished.  Got dressed (sort of….if you call throwing on sweats and a tee shirt—long sleeve cause we are still wearing long sleeves in spring in the mid-west cause it is still cold, no makeup, no hair combing….but at least I wasn’t in my jammies.) and gathered up the items that needed to be returned, coupons to be used and my list and out I went.

I literally drove to my first stop and could not do it!!  I could not make myself go in and take care of business!!  I was paralyzed.  Immobile.  Stuck.  What.in.the.world???

Instead….I drove to the new donut store.  You see, they have large, sugary, cinnamon rolls.  I love large, sugary cinnamon rolls and, until now, there have not been any large, sugary cinnamon rolls around my neck of the woods.  I ate, ok I devoured/inhaled, said cinnamon roll…in the car...being careful to remove all evidence of large sugary pieces that accidently fell off and on to me and the car seat.

I did that for 4 days.  Yes!  For 4 days!

The odd thing is that each time BEFORE I went I longed for them.  Desired one.  It literally compelled me to come.  But each time AFTERWARDS I felt terrible.  Miserable.  My belly hurt and my spirit hurt.  But writing this now….I want to go NOW and get another one.

This cinnamon roll experience is just one example of how undisciplined I have been this past week with what I put in to my mouth.  Sure don’t want to mention the Big Macs and French fries and gallons of Dr. Pepper.

I have not been disciplined with my time.  I look around at all of the tasks that must be done and honestly, I really want to do as well.  Instead.  Solitaire.  Stupid, ridiculous, time wasting solitaire.  Plain solitaire.  Spider solitaire.  IPhone, iPad or computer.  Didn’t matter.  Instead of writing for a retreat I am speaking at THIS WEEKEND my clicks and touches and computer time go to solitaire!!  What.in.the.world!!?

I have not been disciplined with my thoughts.  Oh.my.chili!!  The thoughts I have had are selfish and prideful and harmful and crazy!!! 

Example?  For one, I decided in my mind that I am not going to reach out to anyone at church anymore because, 'what’s the use'?  They are gonna love me/us now, but something will come up eventually and make them mad at us, so, what’s the use?  What.in.the.world??

Additionally, I overheard one side of a phone conversation our daughter was having and I made terrible, wrong, way off track assumptions that led to me being sad, defensive, hurt, and withdrawn.  What.in.the.world??  I have certainly watched enough of the Hallmark movie channel to know to NEVER make assumptions based on one side of a phone conversation!!!

I have not been disciplined in what I said.  Let’s see now, what example should I share???  Yesterday, during a time frame where I wasn't paralyzed and could actually DO something productive and run errands, I was in a store.  One of those very large box stores.  I gathered my items—just three of them—and went to check out.  One of the items rang up more than what the sign said they were and I politely pointed that out to the cashier. 

Shockingly, she did not offer to check in to it.  She did not blink an eye but said, ‘that is what they are ringing up for.’  I paid my money but, no, I could not just let it go.  Sure enough, after trekking what seemed like 4+ miles to where the sign was for the item I bought, I WAS RIGHT!!  I condescendingly took a picture of the proof and stood in her line so that I could tell her “I TOLD YOU SO”. 

Wretchedly I made sure everyone around could hear how she would not believe me when I told her the price was wrong and that she made no offer to check on it for me—after all, I work retail and I would have done that for my customers!!!  (yea, I'm p.r.e.t.t.y sure all of this is centered around me and not God!)

All of that for $0.35!!  35 cents!!!  I got all riled up over 35 cents!!  What.in.the.world!!??  I walked out of the store thinking, who are you and what are you doing?  I was in tears wondering who have I become and what is happening?

I could go on and on about how I have not been disciplined in other areas besides what I eat, what I do, what I think and what I say.  And I hate it.  It disgusts me.  I loathe it.  It scares me.  I want to fix it.  Once and for all resolved so that I can live the disciplined life God called me to live.

Where are the X number of steps to make this happen?  Where is the easy formula?

What I do know is that there is no easy formula….but there is a way.

What I also know is that it isn’t a one-time fix…it requires total dependence on the God of discipline….continually.

A word to those of you who do not struggle with self-discipline.  Who always eat right and are always productive—go eat a cinnamon roll and play some solitaire.  I’m not trying to cause you to sin but sometimes we can get in such a rut that we miss fun and become prideful.  Besides, eating cinnamon rolls and playing solitaire in moderation is totally OK! 
I look forward to the day when I can do both again without them controlling me!

No comments: