Not Cut Out To Be A Pastors Wife

As I drove away from the restaurant late Sunday night the tears were falling so hard I could not see my way out of the parking lot.  Thankful we had come in two cars, I was glad to drive in circles trying to find my way out of the maze of parking lots and side roads in the dark.  By now my tears had turned into loud sobs.  The kind of crying that I rarely do and have not done in quite a long time.....and I needed space.  Time to cry.  Time to let The Lord speak Truth to my heart.  Time alone.  This was too hard to try to explain to my husband.

I am not "cut out" to be a pastors wife!!!  Those words coming to my heart broke me.  It was true!  I felt like a fish out of water.  I felt like I was in an out-of-body experience.....like I was watching someone other than myself sitting at that table.  What am I doing here, I wondered?  This is so not me, I told myself. Again and again I heard the words pierce my heart.....I am not cut out to be a pastors wife!!  

After getting some composure and finally finding the road heading home, I knew, theologically, there was a conflict.  The Truth is my husband and I are one.  He is a pastor....called by God....therefore, I am a pastors wife and He "cut me out" before I was born to do this. I am His workmanship.  His vessel.

Being a pastors wife.....It is not easy for me.  It is not natural for me.  I am not good at it.  I do not love it.  I am thankful for those of you who do love it and for those of you that it all comes naturally.  You have much to be thankful for.

As for me....and maybe one or two of you (perhaps I am not the only one who struggles with this) this one thing I do know.  His grace is sufficient for me!  His Power is perfected in my weaknesses!  I am OK that this is hard because His Power gives me the strength to not simply survive but be used!  Not simply persevere but see Him do miracles in spite of me.

The tears have dried.....several days have passed by....I still know I am inadequate and this life is not easy but I also know I am "cut out" to do this and there are times I am good at it and love it and today I claim His Victory.  After all...."it's a gentle rain and I rather like it!"