Going To See Mary Winkler

I had planned to share this story with you all at The Good Cup in November but my time ran out.  (Time running out….what a weird phrase!)  To be honest, I have often thought about sharing this journey many times but never have…maybe because it is so hard to explain all that happened and all that God did as a result…maybe because it is so personal to me…maybe it is because I am not sure how it will encourage, help, strengthen anyone.  Regardless, I am sharing it now.

Going to See Mary Winkler

Saturday, March 25, 2006

I was driving….driving….driving…going nowhere really….just driving and talking and crying out to God.  My heart was broken and I desperately needed the One who gives me all comfort.  (I was running away from home.  Which I do periodically and I highly recommend it for you too!  Insert grin here.)

I was needing a Word from Him.  I had nothing in me to teach for Sunday school the next day…and I had nothing in me to speak to the group of ladies who had invited me to speak the next night.  I was desperate for the Lord. 

I drove and prayed and worshipped…

Somewhere in there…God convicted me that as I was teaching the ladies in Sunday school the spiritual gifts…I had been focused more on the gifts rather than the Holy Spirit.  I sensed this was something important.  That God was wanting to get my attention on this.  I repented for not knowing the Holy Spirit like I should…for not experiencing the power that is mine from Him…

During this thought process…and while I am driving to nowhere…I sense the Lord…God…the Holy Spirit…telling me to go to Selmer, TN and see the woman who had been all over the news for several days.

She was a pastor’s wife, from a town just 30 miles from where I lived…who had just recently confessed to shooting (and killing) her husband and running off with their three young daughters.

She had been on my heart and I felt God leading me to go.  Of course, immediately rationale set in. 

“They won’t let me see her.”

“I don’t know where the jail is”
I don’t know what to say to her
It is too far (I ended up driving for an hour and a half which would have been what it would have taken me to get there!!)

And so on…

The rationale won out and I continued to pray for God to reveal to me His power! (Crazy huh?  Wanting power without obedience!)

At home that night…I began searching scripture for teachings on the Holy Spirit.  I wanted more of God….and as I read much of the passages referred to the Power the Holy Spirit brings.

That is what I wanted!  More power!  Mark 12:24 says “Your problem is you don’t know the scripture and you don’t know the power of God”!  True!  And I want to know!!

A peace began to come over me throughout the night and as I taught Sunday school.  I confessed to them my sin of focusing on the gifts rather than the Holy Spirit….confessed my disobedience on not going to see the woman in jail….and confessed my desire to move out of this mediocre faith and for Him to work in our midst.

As I left class…I decided to not stay for our second service (I had already gone to the first service...just in case you thought I might have skipped out totally!  Grin) because I needed to get home to prepare for what I was to say that night.  I had an idea of what God wanted…but was not convinced. (I had even driven by the church the day before in my “running away from home tirade” thinking that being close to where the ladies were I could hear what God wanted me to share!  Crazy!)

I first drove through McDonalds to get a Dr. Pepper and then as I started home…the Holy Spirit compelled me again…

“Go to Selmer and see that woman.”

I had a choice to make….was I going to do like I did the day before?  Choose what makes sense and what was rationale?

Or was I going to say “yes”?

The same doubts and questions came….but I knew that if I was ever going to experience the power I was so desperately longing for…if I was going to know this Holy Spirit that indwells me…I had to say “yes”.

So instead of turning right to go home to prepare….I continue down Highway 64 towards Selmer, TN.

There is no fear….just peace knowing I was doing what I was being asked to do.

That morning in Sunday school someone asked "how can we know if when something like that comes into our minds…if it is the flesh or if it is the Holy Spirit?"  Another answered…”is the flesh even capable of asking us to do such things?”  Great questions!!  For me…in this situation…I knew it could not be the flesh because my flesh is not capable of suggesting I drive to Selmer, TN and visit a lady I don’t know in jail.  My motive was pure…I just wanted to get this bossy Holy Spirit off of my back!!

As I drove…the same questions and doubts arise…and I am constantly wondering…

How will I find the jail?  I have no idea where it is.

I don’t even know her name.
What will I say to the “jailer”?
What will I tell them I am there for?

About 15 minutes into the drive…I realize I had not even prayed!  How can that be?  How can I be doing such a “God” thing and not pray?  So, pray I did!  For her…for whatever it was God was bringing me to Selmer for.

I get there…not knowing where the jail is….and drive through town looking…drive around the court house looking….driving everywhere looking.  (Interesting that I am the “queen” of stopping and asking directions…but for some odd reason that was not an option.  Was it because I wanted God to do it all??  I really wanted to see His power?  Or was it that if I could not find it, I would not have to go through with this!!??  Obviously, this was before smart phones with map apps too!)

I find myself all the way out of town…no jail.  I end up on the bypass that takes me back to Bolivar.  To be honest I am relieved.  Perhaps God wanted me to just be willing.  That He was not really requiring anything more of me.  Like Abraham and Isaac…God tested Abraham to show him his faith.  But…part of me was disappointed.  I really had wanted to see the power of God.  So a combination of relief and disappointment washed over me as I headed back towards home. 

Just then….to my right….I see the Henco Furniture sign (A familiar business in west Tennessee)….and a large building that says “McNairy county justice building” or some such thing.  Is that a jail?  Could they not call it what it is?  I am passing it and still not sure until I see barb wire.  That’s it!!  God led me to the jail!!  He did it!! 

Now I had another choice to make.  Do I continue along the way or do I finish this?  I can’t stop and turn around…I am on a four lane bypass with no turn around for a while…so I had plenty of time to think about it.  What was I going to do?  I knew I had to finish this.  God had not brought me this far for me to quit!  I wanted to see His power!!

So finally I find a place to turn around and pulled into the parking lot of what I am assuming is a jail.  The lot is surprisingly (and thankfully) empty.  I was fearful there would be lots of media, etc. but, shockingly, there was no media cars or trucks around.

I walked into the building and saw no one.  Straight ahead of me was a narrow hall with a metal door at the end with a sign saying something about jail visitation.  I was in the right place!!  To my right I see bathrooms…and because by now my stomach is in knots…I make a bee-line for the nearest stall!!

I must stop here and put an interjection.  I did not have….nor have I yet….had any speculation about what happened in this case.  It never even crossed my mind if she was guilty or innocent.  I did not care about the ‘facts’.  I just knew that there was a young pastor’s wife who had three small daughters and a dead husband who was in jail and I was compelled to go. 

It was so strange to me that this was national news.  That I was reading about this in the newspaper and seeing it all over the news.  It seemed strange because it was/is so personal to me.  She had been on my heart ever since I heard it.  In fact, I was driving with Lana Rose across Tennessee (we were providing computer training for Ministry Assistants) when I first saw the Amber alert sign over I40 warning of the missing girls and mother.  The second I heard she was a pastor's wife I was burdened and it was personal.

Back to the jail.  When I first got there, there was no one around…but after I left the restroom and walked back into that hallway to the door labeled “Jail Visitation” I saw a small boy sitting on a narrow hard bench right outside the door.  I asked him if he knew how to get through that door…and he said his grandmother just went through it.  (That boy is implanted on my mind and heart as I am sure his mother or his father is in jail and he is dealing with their choices.) 

I try the door and it is locked.  The boy insists that all his grandmother did was walk in!  Not me!  It is locked!

I turn around and see a woman walking into the building and heading straight toward where I am standing.  She asks me what the jail protocol is!  What?  Me?  I have no idea what I am doing much less what the protocol is!!  She then asks "Are you here to see Mary Winkler.  Thank you Lord!  You provided me her name!  Now I know her name!!

Because I am sure she is a friend of Mary’s or a church member or family member, I am somewhat embarrassed to tell her that, '"Yes I am,  but I don’t know her...I have just driven from the west to see her."  Just as soon as I get the words out, she tells me she does not know her either!  That she has driven there from the Nashville area!  Tears fill my eyes we immediately embrace.

Just then a guard appears and asks us who we are there to see.  Now that I know her name, I confidently tell her “Mary Winkler”.  Immediately she tells us we cannot see her nor can we leave her a note.  We could mail something to the jail if we wanted to contact her.

I wanted to yell out….”BUT THIS WOMAN HAS COME FROM THE EAST AND I HAVE COME FROM THE WEST AND WE MUST SEE HER!!”  But before I could…she disappeared behind the metal doors and I was left standing with this new kindred spirit God had brought into my life.

Neither one of us could tear ourselves away from that small area and so we sat down on the hard, narrow, metal bench.  I looked in the eyes of this woman and asked her “Are you a pastor’s wife?”  She said “I used to be”.  She had been married to a very abusive, cruel husband/pastor.  As she began to tell me her story of pain and loneliness and fear, I knew she was one of the reasons God sent me there.

We each shared our story of why we were there…and both used the same word …compelled!  We were both compelled by God to be there.  She left at 7:30 that morning from Dickson, TN and I left later that morning and we both arrived at the same time. 

It broke my heart to think that just a few feet away behind steel doors and bars was a woman, in jail, alone and scared, who had no idea that God had compelled two women to come for her.  Tears flow even now as I reflect on that moment realizing that God does much that we have no idea He is doing.  That He compels people to act in our behalf and much of the time we have no idea.

I have not seen that woman since that day and I have long forgotten her name and her face, but I have not forgotten her.  She and Mary both represent women who are married to pastors and who struggle.  Women like them will forever be a burden I carry to the Lord.

There is more to this story….and I might share it later this week….and even though I never did get to see Mary, I communicated with her by letter until her trial was over.  I prayed for her a lot…and still do as He reminds me.  To me she represents all ministry wives who are struggling in silence…and I pray for them/you.  You are not alone. 

Side Note:  One of the rationales I have a tendency to give whenever the Holy Spirit asks me do something crazy is “I can’t stop and go see everyone who is in jail.”  Or “I can’t stop and pick up everyone who is walking along the side of the road who might need a ride.”  Or “I can’t befriend every homeless person!”

What I am hearing God say to that is this, “Dana James, I am not compelling you to go see every woman in jail…or offer a ride to every person walking on the side of the road….or befriend every homeless person.  I am compelling you to go see her!  To pick that one up.  To befriend that homeless person.”

You are not alone.  You are not forgotten.