Thursday, July 7, 2016

An Honest Cry From the Heart of a Pastor's Wife

The following message came to me very late one night not long ago.  I was out of town and I could not sleep so I checked my messages.

It was from a pastor’s wife.  She shared what I have felt so many times.

Here is a portion of that message.

“…I’m afraid I am missing the joy of what ministry can be and find myself filled with fear and insecurity.  Because of past hurts from churches, it is certainly not the easiest thing to show up at church on Sundays and Wednesdays.  And the situations my husband faces makes it easy to worry and even doubt his leadership and convictions.  I hate having a heart like this.  I long for joy.  I feel my role is to continue encouraging my husband so that at least his home is a place he can rest.  I am confident the Lord is doing a good work but the fear is so dark.  It’s a lonely place.  I feel I have nothing to offer our church body except a smiling face and some hugs.  But it can feel so superficial…”

What do you do

When you are missing the joy of what ministry can be

             Crawl in to bed or take joy?

When you are filled with fear and insecurity

             Be crippled by them or take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ?

When past hurts from churches makes it hard to want to show up Sundays and Wednesdays

             Stay home or go anyway?  (to worship, not to be the minister’s wife)

When you worry and doubt your husband’s leadership and convictions

             Be fearful that people will get mad or share your concerns with him and/or pray for God to change his heart if he is in error?

When you hate having a heart that is not joyful

             Be disgusted with yourself or be grateful the Holy Spirit is alive and well in you to bring the conviction?

When you long for joy

             Stay unjoyful or do something that brings you joy?

When your fear is so dark.

             Allow it to swallow you or share with a trusted woman?

When you are in a lonely place.

             Believe there is no one who understands or reach out?

When you feel you have nothing to offer your church

             Give up or look for God to show you how He is using you?

When you feel your smiling face and hugs seem so superficial.

             Stop smiling and hugging or keep smiling and hugging because it helps both of you?


What do you do when you feel all of these things?

You know that ministry and marriage is hard but that God is good and faithful and these feelings will not stay with you forever.  That the enemy wants to discourage us and keep us from being all we were created to Ezer!  A warrior!!

You rest in the fact that you are not the only one who experiences these same things!! 

Full disclosure:  I have felt and experienced all of the same things (and a whole lot more) that she feels and experiences...many, many times.  Sometimes I "stay" there a very long time and sometimes I am "out" quickly.  I have wanted to quit, hide, run more times than I care to admit....but God has never allowed me to quit for good or hide where I could not be found or run away forever.  And I'm grateful.
Please tell me that this friend and I are not the only ones.  Because, you see, when you are in this "place" she think you are the only one who feels like this.



Tara said...

Me too! I have and, sometimes all too often still, feel this way . . .

Dana said...

Really? You, too Tara?? I am encouraged to hear this! Way too often I look at women like you and convince myself that they don't struggle with "issues" like I do! Crazy huh?! Thanks for sharing!

Sara said...

Don't we all? I think that is why it is so important to have friends outside the church as well as ministry friends who will push you in the right direction. I have to remind myself often I go to church to serve God first and foremost. It is hard, but if we really admit it, isn't it worth it? Love you girls and all your encouragement. I get busy and forget to read the blog, but then a still small voice reminds me that the link is saved on my favorites bar and I need to visit. There in your words are just what I need to hear. I know I am not the only one! Thank you!