The following message
came to me very late one night not long ago.
I was out of town and I could not sleep so I checked my messages.
It was from a pastor’s
wife. She shared what I have felt so many
times.
Here is a portion
of that message.
“…I’m afraid I am missing the joy of what ministry can be and find myself filled with fear and insecurity. Because of past hurts from churches, it is certainly not the easiest thing to show up at church on Sundays and Wednesdays. And the situations my husband faces makes it easy to worry and even doubt his leadership and convictions. I hate having a heart like this. I long for joy. I feel my role is to continue encouraging my husband so that at least his home is a place he can rest. I am confident the Lord is doing a good work but the fear is so dark. It’s a lonely place. I feel I have nothing to offer our church body except a smiling face and some hugs. But it can feel so superficial…”
What do you do…
When you are missing
the joy of what ministry can be
Crawl in to bed or take joy?
When you are filled
with fear and insecurity
Be crippled by them or take every
thought captive to the obedience of Christ?
When past hurts
from churches makes it hard to want to show up Sundays and Wednesdays
Stay home or go anyway? (to worship, not to be the minister’s wife)
When you worry and doubt your
husband’s leadership and convictions
Be fearful that people will get mad
or share your concerns with him and/or pray for God to change his heart if he is
in error?
When you hate
having a heart that is not joyful
Be disgusted with yourself or be
grateful the Holy Spirit is alive and well in you to bring the conviction?
When you long for
joy
Stay unjoyful or do something that
brings you joy?
When your fear is
so dark.
Allow it to swallow you or share
with a trusted woman?
When you are in a
lonely place.
Believe there is no one who
understands or reach out?
When you feel you
have nothing to offer your church
Give up or look for God to show you
how He is using you?
When you feel your
smiling face and hugs seem so superficial.
Stop smiling and hugging or keep
smiling and hugging because it helps both of you?
What do you do when
you feel all of these things?
You know that ministry and marriage is hard but that God is good and faithful and these feelings will not stay with you forever. That the enemy wants to discourage us and keep us from being all we were created to be...an Ezer! A warrior!!
You rest in the
fact that you are not the only one who experiences these same things!!
Full disclosure: I have felt and experienced all of the same things (and a whole lot more) that she feels and experiences...many, many times. Sometimes I "stay" there a very long time and sometimes I am "out" quickly. I have wanted to quit, hide, run more times than I care to admit....but God has never allowed me to quit for good or hide where I could not be found or run away forever. And I'm grateful.
Please tell me that this friend and I are not the only ones. Because, you see, when you are in this "place" she described....you think you are the only one who feels like this.
3 comments:
Me too! I have and, sometimes all too often still, feel this way . . .
Really? You, too Tara?? I am encouraged to hear this! Way too often I look at women like you and convince myself that they don't struggle with "issues" like I do! Crazy huh?! Thanks for sharing!
Don't we all? I think that is why it is so important to have friends outside the church as well as ministry friends who will push you in the right direction. I have to remind myself often I go to church to serve God first and foremost. It is hard, but if we really admit it, isn't it worth it? Love you girls and all your encouragement. I get busy and forget to read the blog, but then a still small voice reminds me that the link is saved on my favorites bar and I need to visit. There in your words are just what I need to hear. I know I am not the only one! Thank you!
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