Thursday, July 10, 2014

Be Kinder To Yourself

As I read over my last post, I realized that if you have not read my previous post/s you might not have known why in the world I had not been to our church in over 10 weeks….and, in fact, now it actually has been more like four months!  So…if you are interested in understanding why a pastor’s wife is not going to their church….it is because I have had the honor and privilege to stay with/take care of my father (in California) as he approached the end of his life.

That life ended two weeks ago….just two days after I came home for a short time to take care of some things at home...with the plan to return tomorrow to continue to care for him.  Shocking.  Sad.  Heartbreaking.  Then….five days later….my father-in-law’s life here on earth ended.  Two amazing men.  Two totally different men.  And, as far as I know, two lives now spending eternity in two different places. 

My father-in-law is a part of a strong, Godly legacy.  His father was a missionary in China.  His son is a pastor, his grandson is a pastor and his grandson-in-law is a pastor.  Generations who love and serve the Lord.  Even though we miss him and are saddened that we won’t be spending time with him here on earth….we rejoice that he is with Jesus.

My father, on the other hand, did not have anything to do with Jesus or the Bible or the church.  He was super fun, always loved my friends and could chit-chat like no one other!  There is no joy, however, in his death….because his suffering is not over.

We recently arrived home from the funeral/celebration of life for my husband’s father….so sweet as my husband, son and son-in-law led the service.  There was no service/celebration of life for my dad…neither he nor my mom wanted anything like that…so…I am now wondering how to have ‘closure’.

After my mom died I went through a season of anger….angry with God for ‘not saving her’.  The Lord was gracious to me and allowed me to work through that and come to the conclusion that my anger needed to be directed toward satan rather than God….and began to fervently work to fight against his schemes in the lives of my family, my church, my co-workers, the ladies He allows me to speak to, etc.

This time I am not feeling anger….rather I am feeling numb.  Paralyzed.  Not sure what to do next….not allowing my mind to take it to places it ought not go…for fear of where it will take me.

Not only have I not gone to church.  I am not reading the Word.  I am not journaling.  I am not studying.  And I feel bad about that.  I wonder….does His grace cover that???  (YES) I worry that He will be mad at me for that!!  (NO)

A dear friend texted me when I told her about not being in the Word, etc and she said I “need to be kind to myself!!”  Wow!  Really?  Amazing!!  “Give yourself much grace, Dana”, she said, “God sure does!”  Wow!  Be kind to myself???  What an awesome, freeing thought!!  I can be so mean to myself for sure!!

I am desperate to take those words to heart.  I want to learn to be kinder to myself during this season.  Allow myself to heal and grieve and quit being so hard on myself!
I am pretty sure that many of you need to be told those words as well....perhaps you are beating yourself up for something you are not doing...or perhaps you are saying unkind things to your mind.  I would love to encourage you, too, my friend….be kinder to yourself!!

No comments: