Tuesday, July 8, 2014

A Pastor's Wife Not "Doing"

(Just an FYI...the following was written over five weeks ago and has been sitting in the post draft pile until now because I was having technical issues when it was my turn to blog last time....)

Looking at the calendar I realize it has been over 10 weeks since I have been to our church...well actually, there was one week in there that I was in town and so was able to go to our church...but I wasn't "seen" (if you know what I mean) because I was in the nursery.

That means no teaching, no speaking, no counseling church members, no praying with church members, no serving church members.  None.  Zilch.  Zero.  Zip.  And...to be honest...part of me kind of likes it...which makes me feel guilty and yet part of me really dislikes it and misses it terribly. Does that make me a terrible pastors wife?
Not only have I struggled with feeling guilty for not being able to serve and feeling guilty for kind of enjoying the freedom that that brings, I have fallen into the trap of thinking God might be mad at me for not 'doing'. Theologically I KNOW my salvation and HIS love for me is grace driven...but because my mind can still speak lies to my heart I often hear myself say things to the contrary.
Lies like, "I need to do this or I must do that so He won't be mad at me, or so He won't take His hand of protection off of me, or blah, blah, blah".... more lies.  Performance based love has been driven so deep into my heart and mind it is soooo hard for me to understand unconditional love.
Gratefully, this season is teaching me that His love for me is NOT based on what I do or do not do...believe me, I have 'known' this academically, but forget to totally embrace it and live it.
I cannot tell you how crazy all of this sounds even as I write this...and I also sort of hope none of you can relate or understand what I am doing a terrible job of trying to explain...
Feel free.  Loved.  Unconditionally.

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