Study for Me

I can't tell you how many times I have felt like Dana described in her post last week about her Sunday School class. I find myself doubting and questioning many times too.

I know I take it out on my sweet man. I look to him to make me fill better and pressure him to fulfill a role that only my sweet Savior can. Am I alone? I am sure someone out there can relate!

I have to share how God is most recently refocusing me. Honestly, this is how He is keeping me from slipping down that slippery slope back into that place where I am not good enough. . .

Last time I posted I mentioned that I had emailed a few friends from church to meet at Starbucks and discuss starting an accountability/Bible study group. Well, we met, chose a study and have met in our pastor's wife's living room for the past three Thursday evenings.

I made it clear at that first meeting and in the email that I was  NOT looking to lead anything. I was open and honest explaining my need and how the Spirit had convicted me to study the Word for my own personal, spiritual growth.

At the second meeting we handed out the books and we looked them over while noshing a chocolate dessert (You would have loved it Vickie!) and sipping decaf coffee.

The third meeting came and I found my gut was filled with a real mess of mixed emotions. I knew I wasn't prepared to lead discussion. What if that is what they expected? I was concerned that the "homework" I had done was inadequate compared to what everyone else had done, or worse, I was the only one who had actually done the outside assignments. At the same time, I was excited to hear how everyone had answered the questions and to receive their insights.

As the evening unfolded, the mass in my gut slowly dissipated and I began to feel the release of not being the one responsible, of just being one of the girls, of just being me. It was wonderful. As I climbed in my car to go home it finally sunk in. This was a "get to" not a "have to."

I haven't had one of those in a REALLY long time. I had forgotten what it felt like. Ladies, I ain't gonna lie. It is nice. And, I didn't even know I needed it.

The group is bigger than I thought it would be. I thought two or maybe three of us would be game.  I never pictured meeting in the pastor's home with his wife included, though I am thrilled she has offered to host and join us. I never expected God already showing me such deep truths in His word or showering me with His love in this outlet.

I just had to be willing to set aside my expectations of myself and those I assumed others had for me. It wasn't and still isn't easy. But, dear friend, it is so worth it. I am learning the importance of pressing into God for my own sake, not for a class, a speaking engagement or a writing project.

When was the last time you let God speak to you?